Crime Buster

Conversations with the fearless representative of the fuzz, Sgt Nop.
The porn brokers
Have you ever wondered what happens to the pornographic magazines confiscated in periodic police crackdowns? I decided to see my old friend Sgt. Nop to clarify the situation.
Crutch: Hello, Nop old chap, you look worn out. What have you been up to.
Sgt. Nop: Pornography! I’m up to my neck in pornography. Crutch: That sounds dreadful. Tell me all about it.
Nop: Well, we had this crackdown and seized thousands of lurid magazines. I’m personally handling 179 of them.
Crutch: Handling 179?
Nop: Yes. You see we have to read every page to ensure they are pornographic and I was assigned 179 different magazines.
Crutch: Good heavens! What a rotten job. How many were pornographic?
Nop: Probably the whole lot. I’ve only got through 27 so far and they’ve all been pretty disgusting. Although there’s one called the Beano I haven’t figured out yet.
Crutch: It must be really distressing for you having to wade through all that filth.
Nop: Well, it’s all in the line of duty. By the way would you care for a Spank?
Crutch: I beg your pardon?
Nop: Spank. That’s one of the best… er, most disgusting
magazines I’ve read so far. You should see the picture on page…
Crutch: No thanks, I’ve only just had lunch.
Nop: If you’d like to see something a bit more straightfor-
ward, I can recommend Throb. Of course, there’s always Ogle
or Perve, but their photographers seem to lack imagination.
Crutch: The mind boggles.
Nop: Boggles? Sorry. Don’t have a copy of that. If you like
something a bit different, why not try Miss Whip or Plastic
Passion. That’s really…
Crutch: Yes, very interesting. But tell me, Nop, once you’ve
ascertained these publications are lewd and unfit for human
consumption, what do you do with them?
Nop: Burn them.
Crutch: You never get tempted to keep some or maybe sell
them at an inflated price back to the people you seized them
from?
Nop: No way, that’s against the law.
Crutch: Of course. How silly to suggest such a thing.
Nop: However, a few DO get lost in transit.
Crutch: Tell me more.
Nop: Well, the glossy paper makes excellent paper bags…
Acting on a tip-off
A recent report in the newspaper announced that police had arrested the Phantom Panty Snatcher of Nonthaburi. Apparently he was caught red-handed in possession of three pairs of panties. Shortly after reading the story I got a phone call from my old pal Sgt. Nop. He sounded rather excited.
Nop: I did it, Crutch. I did it. Me!
Crutch: Calm down, Nop, old chap. You did what?
Nop: I solved a case. I finally solved a case.
Crutch: But, Nop, you’ve solved cases before. There were all those illegal onions you fearlessly arrested on the train from Hat Yai. Then there was the great raid when you apprehended 200 cockroaches for go-go dancing without a licence.
Nop: All that did was to get me transferred to Nakhon Nowhere. This was a REAL arrest, a REAL crime.
Crutch: Don’t tell me you’ve been arresting joggers again for Conversations with the fearless representative of the fuzz, Sgt Nop.
The porn brokers
Have you ever wondered what happens to the pornographic magazines confiscated in periodic police crackdowns? I decided to see my old friend Sgt. Nop to clarify the situation.
Crutch: Hello, flop old chap, you look worn out. What have you been up to.
Sgt. Nop: Pornography! I’m up to my neck in pornography. Crutch: That sounds dreadful. Tell me all about it.
flop: Well, we had this crackdown and seized thousands of lurid magazines. I’m personally handling 179 of them.
Crutch: Handling 179?
Nop: Yes. You see we have to read every page to ensure they are pornographic and I was assigned 179 different magazines.
Crutch: Good heavens! What a rotten job. How many were pornographic?
flop: Probably the whole lot. I’ve only got through 27 so far and they’ve all been pretty disgusting. Although there’s one called the Beano I haven’t figured out yet.
Crutch: It must be really distressing for you having to wade through all that filth.
Nop: Well, it’s all in the line of duty. By the way would you running without due care and attention.
Nop: Panties!
Crutch: Panties? Nop, are you feeling okay?
Nop: I nabbed the Phantom Panty Snatcher of Nonthaburi. Crutch: Well, that’s great news, Nop. How did you manage
that?
Nop: I spent a month hanging around washing lines. It
wasn’t funny. People wear some weird things these days. Crutch: Apart from that, did everything go smoothly? Nop: Not exactly. I got arrested six times for acting suspi-
ciously.
Crutch: What were you doing?
Nop: To trap the panty snatcher I planted some panties on a washing line and then hid in the bushes. Apparently some old ladies called the cops.
Crutch: Sounds like perfectly normal behaviour, Nop. Anyway, what’s your next assignment?
Nop: Well, I overheard my boss saying a farang called Dow Jones has been upsetting lots of people near the Stock Exchange of Thailand. I’m going out to arrest him. I suspect he’s Welsh. By the way, you don’t want to buy any panties do you?

Sleeping on the job

I regret to report that Sgt. “Serpico” Nop, the source of many scoops, has been transferred to an “inactive post” following accusations of irregularities involving confiscated piranha fish. Uninformed sources said that a frying pan was seized as a key item of evidence.
Sgt. Nop, who is also known as the “Hero of Pratunam Market,” has had an impressive career. He was the key man behind the Great Onion Raid of 1984, in which several thousand illegal onions were arrested. Other triumphs which made Sgt. Nop a household name include the arrest of 69 goldfish for not wearing a number in Patpong establishments and apprehending a 10-wheel truck driver who refused to flee the scene after an accident. The driver was later freed on the grounds that he was “temporarily unsound of mind.”
Sgt. Nop first achieved national prominence when he fearlessly arrested a pedestrian on charges of crossing Sukhum-vit Road “without looking scared to death.” The pedestrian was later released when it was discovered he was drunk at the time.

According to unreliable sources, colleagues first became worried about Sgt. (fop’s behaviour when he arrested a toad on charges of “leaping without due care and attention”. Things reportedly came to a head when he arrested himself for “impersonating a police officer.” Ile reportedly claimed he was “acting on a tip-off’.
Latest reports indicate Sgt. Nop is unhappy with his inactive post as it involves such major decisions as when to get up and when to go to bed.
Rumour has it that Sgt. Nop is planning to go into politics and will lead the Inactive People’s Party with a revolutionary energy saving policy requiring citizens to sleep 24 hours a day.